I know it’s been a while since I’ve written here. I’ve been asking God to give me the words to put on here, and I’ve heard him tell me to put nothing here for quite a while. But now, God’s been revealing a lot to me recently, and told me to share my experience here. He told me that sometimes trusting him costs us something.
I recently watched someone sort-of close to me have an experience that I have been dreaming about and praying about for years. Something that I know God put into my heart. And as I saw this experience begin for this other person, I started to pray about it again, but with more fervor than I had before. And God told me that it wasn’t my time. Then, he sent a pastor’s message talking about the timing of God to confirm that it wasn’t his time for me.
And I was still jealous! I told God that why shouldn’t it be my time?! God gave me this vision! God told me this is what he wanted for me! Why was this happening for someone else and not for me?!
And then God spoke to me. He said, “Heather, it’s not my time for you yet. You want this experience without debt. You want this experience to honor me. If you do it now, it won’t honor me.”
And I was broken. But jealous still.
I realized I knew a way to have this experience that I’ve been promise without debt, but not in God’s time. And I started talking to my husband about it. And I was still jealous.
I came to work on Saturday morning and got ready to grab breakfast. I went to put that first bite of food in my mouth and God said, “No Heather! You’re going to fast today.” And I was crushed. Why did I have to fast today of all days?! I typically have no issue with fasting, and will fast in order to pray over specific issues. However, this fast was a discipline from my loving father in Heaven. You see, I was not content to wait on God and his promise. I wanted my way and I wanted it now. And this fast cost me. My husband and I were supposed to go out on a date. And I was looking forward to eating with him. But God asked me if I could give that up for him. Could I let go of my preconceived plans because it wasn’t God’s plan. I had to pay the price of my jealousy in order to trust in God. I had to repent for not being happy with where God had me and for not trusting him to fulfil his promises to me.
I think all too often, we know God promises us something and we want to see the fruit right away. I’m reminded that Abraham and Sarah were promised a child but had to wait over a decade for that child. She was tired of waiting and took matters into her own hands. She gave her maid to her husband and ended with a step-child she resented, and a maid who resented her.
Then, I was reminded of King David. As a boy, he was promised to be king. But he didn’t storm the throne demanding to be given his place. He didn’t wait in jealousy of King Saul. He waited patiently, and served the Lord where he was.
I want to encourage you today to hold fast to the promises God has given you. But to do it in patience. I was so heartbroken over my discontented heart and how I grieved God. Hold on to hope, hold on to his promises, and serve him where you are until he takes you where he wants you next.
And even in the heartbreak, there is hope.
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